Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
