Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
