They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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