Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
