Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
