He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
