I'm drive I can fine osifer
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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