Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
