grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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