3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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