ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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