Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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