wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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