i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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