there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize