Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
there is puke in my bra ... again
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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