I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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