I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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