don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
