I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
