My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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