I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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