i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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