Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i think i just lost a toe
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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