I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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