I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She's the barista slut.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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