once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
