i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
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