Can Purell be used as lube?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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