i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize