Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize