I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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