Apparently you make a good broom.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
