I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize