yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize