The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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