Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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