So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
