i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
