So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
