First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
