I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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