a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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