I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
