Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
