Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
