he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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