That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
