Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
