the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Randomize
