i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
