I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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