Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Randomize
