so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
