I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
