hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
