I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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