I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
