I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
