He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
